"I am writing this because I didn’t realize the importance of drinking responsibly until I was waking up from a coma, and I don't want anyone to go through what my family and I went through. I ask that you share this with your friends, family or anyone who may benefit from reading this. If I can help just one person by sharing my experience, then I will be absolutely ecstatic."

No-one intends to end up in an emergency department when they go out to have a good time with their friends on a Saturday night. Although it sounds 'pat', in so many cases, the difference between having a 'good time' and finding yourself on life-support in hospital can be just one drink ...

Hannah's story may sound extreme to some but it is not unusual. She had gone to a music festival and made the mistake of trying to play 'catch-up' with her friends in regard to alcohol. She then drifted away from the people she knew and ended up with another group, who she then promised she could "outdrink". This included skolling whiskey straight from the bottle. From then on she has no memory of what happened and had to rely on friends to fill in the gaps. Shortly after skolling the whiskey, she collapsed and stopped breathing. She was taken to the event's medical tent, intubated and flown to hospital. Her parents were contacted by police and told that she was in a critical condition, suffering from acute respiratory failure and acute alcohol intoxication.  Her BAC was 0.41 when she entered the ER and she was completely unresponsive.

Young people getting so drunk that they need assistance to breathe is not a new phenomenon. In my original piece I discussed an email I had received from a young woman named Georgia who found herself in such a situation. After drinking way too much, she lost consciousness and thankfully due to a couple of her quick-thinking friends, an ambulance was called and she was rushed to hospital. What she wrote right at the end of the message really had an impact on me.

"I will never forgive myself for my stupid decisions that night. But it is my friends and, most importantly, my Mum and Dad that I feel really bad about. I don't have any memories about the really bad stuff. I blacked out well before I was taken to hospital but it was my friends who had to try to look after me at the party who I put into such a terrible position who had to deal with the situation. My poor parents had to sit my hospital bed for almost 24 hours and be told that I may not make it through the night. I just feel so selfish ..."

As I wrote to Georgia at the time, it's important that she forgives herself for her error of judgment. She made a mistake, she needs to apologise to those people she feels she needs to say sorry to and then brush herself off and get on with life. But that can be difficult ...

Unfortunately, I have recently started to receive an increasing number of photographs from young people that show them on life-support, in ambulances and in hospital emergency departments. I've been getting photos from teens for years via my Instagram but I'd never got even one photo like this until very recently. The accompanying messages usually say something along the lines of "you can use this photo in your talks because I don't want this to happen to anyone else" or "I never thought this would happen to me". I now use one of these images in my presentations (after getting permission from the young woman's parents who I talked with over Zoom) and it's incredibly powerful ...

What is so interesting is how many students now approach me after my talk to tell me that they have also been hospitalised after drinking too much ... Now, I certainly don't encourage anyone to share that kind of information with me but for some of these young people it almost seems a little bit cathartic. I've never had anyone boast or make light of their experience but they certainly appear to want to talk through at least some of what happened. Nevertheless, I still think it takes a fairly gutsy teen to do this and once they've finished I always make sure I ask them two questions. 

Firstly, I ask them if they're okay, both at that moment and in general. They went through a trauma and I want to make sure that discussing it with me hasn't triggered anything. Then secondly, I ask them what they remember most about the experience. What is absolutely fascinating is that nearly all of them say exactly the same thing. They have very little memory of their drinking and never remember anything about being looked after or the ambulance (as Georgia alluded to in her email). What they all have very clear memories of, however, is waking up in the hospital bed, a drip in their arm, a tube down their throat and their parents next to them, often in tears. 

No-one wants their child to go through this experience. So when it comes to alcohol poisoning and the risk of ending up in hospital, what should a parent be saying to their teen in an effort to keep them protected or at the very least, aware of the dangers? Here are some key points that could be raised:

• if you're going to drink, make sure you eat something beforehand. Young people need to eat a 'fistful of food' before they go out - that's about the size of their empty stomach. That's enough to keep you protected to some degree, slowing down absorption but not interfering with the actual alcohol experience. Something 'carbohydrate-heavy' like a small bowl of pasta or rice, even a sandwich or burger is best. Model this behaviour yourself as well - they learn by watching you
• ensure that water is a part of every alcohol experience your teen has - starting at the beginning of the night and continuing throughout. Make sure the first drink they drink is a glass of water (it prepares them for the dehydrating effect of alcohol and also fills them up a little so they are less likely to gulp that first bottle or can down as fast) and try to get them to get into the habit of having another glass between each alcoholic drink. We usually tell young people this is mainly about rehydrating but realistically having that glass of water in between drinks can also help slow their drinking down just a little. Once again, modelling this behaviour yourself is so important ...
• remember that alcohol is like any other drug, it can affect you differently every time you drink it. You could have exactly the same amount of alcohol on two different occasions and have completely different experiences. Many people refuse to believe this and when something does go amiss they're convinced that it couldn't be the alcohol that caused the problem. Make sure your teen gets this message early - just because they had a 'good time' when they had a couple of shots last week does not mean it'll necessarily be the same this week!
• avoid drinking games and shots. Unfortunately, for some young (and even not so young) people this is just part of their alcohol experience and there's little we're going to be able to do to change that. That said, make your views clear on this kind of drinking behaviour - we know that your opinion can actually make a difference
• when it comes to other people drinking, encourage them to intervene when necessary. People just don't suddenly become drunk and lose consciousness - there will be warning signs. If you see a friend who you think is getting into trouble, step in and say something. Try to get them away from the alcohol by suggesting you go for a walk together, send them a text to distract them or get others to help you - don't let it get to the stage of having to call an ambulance if you can possibly help it
• most importantly, make sure they know they have your total support should something ever go wrong and they need to call for help. Many young people don't call 000 because they're frightened their parents may find out - that's so sad and must be devastating for parents to hear. Nobody ever wants their child to be put into a situation where they need to call an ambulance but every parent wants to know that if they were, they'd do it without hesitation!

As I say in my talks with students, no-one ever gets taken to hospital after having one drink. It's unlikely that anyone will end up on life-support after having a couple of drinks across a night. People end up in hospital when they drink too much, too fast. So if you're with someone that you even remotely care about and they're drinking too much, too fast - you just need to say two simple words - "Slow down!"

Having a conversation about alcohol and all the things that can go wrong is never going to be easy. Acknowledging that your teen may be drinking, without necessarily condoning the behaviour, can be extremely difficult but it is necessary. That one conversation could prevent the one person you love most in the world from ending up being transported to hospital and that's worth all the discomfort in the world ...

Few parents would be unaware of the importance of doing their best to 'stay connected' to their child during adolescence. This is particularly true as they transition from early to middle adolescence (around 14-15) - a time when they're trying to find their place in the world, develop their own identity and, in doing so, often pull away from their parents.

It is at this time that peers become increasingly important and, as a result, teens can begin to disengage from their families. In addition, their interests may change and friends they've had since they began school may drift away. Years of music lessons or sports training are suddenly forgotten as your teens appears to wake up one morning and decide to abandon something you believed they genuinely loved. Seemingly, overnight, everything you thought you knew about your child can be turned upside down. The real challenge that many parents face at this time is attempting to put rules and boundaries into place to keep them as safe as possible (that their teens are not going to like), and, at the same time, do their best to maintain a positive relationship and keep connected. It's tough!

As tempting as it might be to just turn and walk away and think this is just all too hard, it is incredibly important that parents continue to try and work hard to maintain a dialogue (no matter how stilted or one-sided it may be) with their child during their teens. Sadly, I meet too many parents who beat themselves up around this area, acknowledging that they're busy people and 'time poor' and, as a result, feel as though they don't spend enough time connecting with their child. But this is not about 'quantity', it's about 'quality'. Even if you can only manage to find a couple of minutes a week where you truly connect with your teen, that can be so very important. This is not always easy and is something that parents have to develop over time, as Michael Gurian explains in the following quote:

"Connecting to your teen is a process not unlike building up muscles. As parents, you need to work on your timing and build up strength in your relationship."

I've talked about the book Staying Connected To Your Teenager (subtitled How To Keep Them Talking To You and How To Hear What They're Really Saying) written by US parenting expert, Michael Riera, many times before. He discusses a range of strategies in this wonderful resource and I often mention some of them in my presentations to parents. One that he discusses is around the traditional 'family dinner' and how it has to be used differently during the teen years if you want it to be effective in relation to staying connected. 

There has been much written about the importance of taking the time to sit down as a family and eat dinner together. Riera stresses that family dinners are still important during the teen years, but how they are important changes. Most parents would agree that if they sit down to a meal with their teen it would be rare for any meaningful conversations to take place, no matter how hard you try to get one started. Getting a teenager to actually sit down at a table with the family for any longer than 10 minutes is nigh on impossible and if you expect to be able to extract anything of any real importance from them during that brief time you're likely to be disappointed.

It was very different when they were younger. When they were in primary school (and even as they first started high school) you could ask them questions about their day, what they and their friends were up to and you were likely to be given detailed accounts of much of what was going on in their lives. They're also far more likely to let you know if something is troubling them in this setting at that age. Reira explains this by discussing research that has found that when asked who they would talk to if they had a problem, children around the age of 11 or 12 list, in order: parents, teachers, friends. When they hit adolescence, however, the list reverses. It's now friends that they're most likely to confide in, with teachers and parents likely to be a fair way behind. This means that the family dinner is unlikely to be a place where teens are going to share much of what is going on in their life. 

So how should you be using the family dinner at this stage of their life? Reira explains it this way:

"During adolescence dinner becomes the bridge that leads to bigger conversations later on ... Dinner is the time for small talk. It's time to make eye contact and check in with one another. It's the time to crack a joke or two and laugh. It's time to reconfigure logistics for later that night or the next day. These exchanges build the bridge of communication between parents and teenagers."

He describes the family dinner as a "check-in time". As already said, during adolescence it's highly unlikely that you're going to get the quality conversations you may be hoping for in this setting. Ask them about their day at the dinner table and, if you're lucky, you'll get a sentence in response. If you're not, it's likely that a grunt or two may be the best you get. Trying to keep things light and avoid asking them too much about what's happening in their lives at this time is most probably the way to go. The small talk that will hopefully take place may seem unimportant at the time but it lays the foundations for the more important discussions that come later. 

I've written about Riera's recommendation about talking to teens late at night in a previous blog entry and I'd urge parents to seriously consider this strategy. It's based on research that shows adolescents have different sleep rhythms to adults and, as a result they're more willing to talk and share at night. In addition, they've also had time to reflect on the events of the day, their defences are down and there's likely to be far less distractions. This dovetails into the family dinner issue, with Riera writing the following:

"There is a direct correlation between the small talk of dinner and the big talks that happen away from the dining room table ...  It's different from one family to the next. The constant is that it occurs after dinner, in the transition time between dinner and personal time."

Staying connected with your teen is so important. Finding ways of doing this as your child goes through so many changes during adolescence can be tough. Research shows clearly that strong parent-child relationships build resilience and keep young people safer in so many ways. But beyond that Reira highlights another reason to maintain your connection with your teen:

"It's fun. Teenagers, for better and worse, are some of the most creative and fun people on the planet, and when you stay connected you, too, enjoy these aspects of your teenager; and in doing so, you regularly replenish your parenting batteries."

I couldn't have put it better myself!

Reference:

Riera, M. (2003). Staying Connected To Your Teenager, Da Capo Press Lifelong Books.

Anxiety and depression were on the rise prior to the pandemic but COVID and all that goes with it, including lockdowns and restrictions, have certainly not made things easier. In 2012, 18.6% of young Australians aged 15-19 years reported 'psychological distress' (a predictor of mental health problems, including anxiety, depression and suicidal behaviour). In 2020, that had risen to over one quarter (26.6%), with young women being at greater risk (34.1%) when compared to their male peers (15.3%).

In response, parents have had to rely on already overwhelmed GPs to help assist their children. According to the AMA, some doctors, aware of the cost of specialist care and long waiting lists have resorted to medications, particularly antidepressants. The figures in this area are staggering and they don't even include what's been happening for the past couple of years. In 2013, 87,062 Australians aged 15-19 years were prescribed antidepressants. By 2019 that had risen to 125,515. In addition, there were another 50,134 children aged 14 or younger prescribed these drugs. That was in 2019, so you can pretty safely say there at least 175,000 young Australians prescribed antidepressants each year ..

I'm not a doctor and whether or not a young person should or shouldn't be prescribed a medication is not my area of expertise. It needs to be remembered, however, that many of these teens are also regularly drinking alcohol.

I've written about the mixing of medications and alcohol a number of times and those articles have some of my lowest readership rates. For some reason this is an issue that many parents simply don't want to acknowledge. If your child is on medication and they're going to parties on a Saturday night, a conversation about drinking alcohol on top of whatever prescription drugs they're taking is important. Yet, it would appear that those conversations rarely, if ever, happen ...

Every year I meet students living with a wide range of medical conditions including diabetes, peanut allergies, epilepsy, depression, ADHD and cystic fibrosis. All of them have the same query - how should they deal with the issue of drinking and did I know anything about the interaction between their medication and alcohol? 

As I make very clear to any young person who asks me this type of question - I'm not a doctor and I usually know next to nothing about their actual health condition and even less about the interaction between their medication and alcohol. There is really only one person who can help them and that's their doctor or specialist - the person who prescribed the medication. When I ask them whether they'd discussed the issue of alcohol with their doctor they often respond by saying "My parents were in the room, how could I?"

This is the problem that many teens with medical conditions face around the age of 15-16. Some have lived with their condition for many years, often having the same specialist they had when they were first diagnosed and although they're now becoming young adults, their doctors don't recognise that they're growing up and could be facing a range of adult decisions, including whether or not to drink alcohol. 

The family GP who prescribes antidepressants for a 14-year-old can also find themselves in the same situation. We live in a world of an 8-minute Medicare consultation and keeping up with young patients and their changing social life is almost impossible for doctors. If the issue isn't raised by the teen, it's unlikely to be raised at all and then they're left grappling in the dark about how to deal with the issue, many of them relying on friends or the Internet for information.

If your teen is on medication for any condition and have hit that age when they are starting to go to parties regularly, it is vital that you raise the issue of mixing alcohol with that medication. This discussion has to be handled carefully. You certainly don't want your child to stop using their medication (a real risk if you try to scare them about what mixing them will do) and to be honest, you most probably don't really know what the effect will be (unless you're a doctor yourself and even then you may not know the whole story!) so you don't want to overstate the harms and lose what little credibility you have left. This is why I suggest that parents hand this over to the GP or specialist. 

When a young person asks me what to do I give them the following advice:

• How long have you had your specialist (or GP if it's for conditions like depression or anxiety) for? How do you get on with them?
• Do you see them by yourself or do your parents attend your appointments with you?
• If a parent is present, would you feel comfortable asking questions about the mix of your medication and alcohol in front of them? If you do, make sure you ask the question the next time you see your doctor
• If they are present and you don't feel comfortable, you're getting to the age when you can ask your Mum or Dad if you can see your doctor without them. You don't have to tell them why you want this to happen but they are bound to ask. Tell them that you want to ask some personal questions about your condition and hopefully they'll respect your decision
• Before you see your doctor write down the questions you want to ask so you don't forget anything. If you are drinking alcohol, be honest and let your doctor know how regularly your drink and how much you usually consume and then ask them about mixing your medication with alcohol - what effect will it have?
• Most importantly, listen to what your doctor says - if they say don't mix the two, take that on board! Remember you can always ask if there are alternative medications that you can use that don't have the same effect - sometimes a doctor will change a teen's medication when they know they have started to drink regularly

Some teens may simply want to know more about the impact alcohol could potentially have on their medical condition, e.g., if you suffer from depression, does regular drinking make it worse? Does a teen with epilepsy have to be more careful about drinking alcohol? You'd be surprised how many students have been told absolutely nothing about the impact alcohol could have on their health condition. Once again, this is a discussion best had with a medical professional and not a parent. 

Of course, the best way to avoid any risk is not to mix alcohol and medications, but realistically for some of these teens that just isn't going to happen. They need to know the facts and the best person to provide those is their doctor ... this conversation needs to happen and needs to happen early in a 'drinking career'! Make sure you give your teen the opportunity to have this discussion and if you don't believe they will initiate the conversation, have a chat to their doctor beforehand and ask if they could bring up the issue in as sensitive a way as possible ... it's really important!

References

Brennan, N., Beames, J.R., Kos, A., Reilly, N., Connell, C., Hall, S., Yip, D., Hudson, J., O'Dea, B., Di Nicola, K., & Christie, R. (2021). Psychological distress in young people in Australia Fifth Biennial Youth Mental Health Report: 2012-2020. Mission Australia: Sydney, NSW.

Therapeutic Goods Administration (2021). Antidepressant utilisation and risk of suicide in young people: Safety investigation. TGA, Australian Government Department of Health.

I'm sure some people have fond memories of their first day of high school - I'm not one of them! The move from a state primary school to a private high school was tough. I knew absolutely no-one and felt completely alone. 

Thankfully, it's now extremely rare for children to be thrown into high school and left to fend for themselves, with most schools developing and implementing transition programs to ensure that no-one 'slips through the cracks' during this potentially difficult time. Even so, it's vital that parents realise the school can't do this alone and that they too play a crucial role in ensuring a smooth transition and that those first few months of secondary school, in particular, are incredibly important …

But what has this time got to do with future alcohol and other drug use? Well, it's all about making sure our kids are resilient, with research showing that the move to high school plays a key role in building (or potentially damaging) resilience. Resilience is the 'ability to bounce back', i.e., the capacity to overcome adversity and obstacles. We can't 'inoculate' young people against possible problems (such as drug use or bullying) but if we can help them 'bounce back' (i.e., be resilient) should things go wrong, we're at least arming them in the best way possible.

Andrew Fuller is the Australian 'guru' and the 'go-to' person in this area and he believes that this transition period is critical for building resilience in students. From a positive perspective, starting high school offers young people "an opportunity to re-invent or consolidate how they see themselves". However, for others, changing schools (or even moving from primary to secondary within the same school) can be a stressful event and has been linked to a lowering in self-esteem and an increase in psychological distress should it not run smoothly.

The good news for parents is that if students have a smooth transition, by Year 10 they're likely to have higher levels of school attendance, better academic results, low behavioural problems and lower rates of substance abuse. And there's the link to alcohol and other drugs - positive transition, the lower the risk of future problems in that area. So why is this the case?

This move to high school requires all students, whether they're new to the school or not, to establish new peer groups. New students result in a shift in the group dynamics. Amongst the 'newbies' there will be those that almost everyone automatically gravitates towards, others will have pre-existing issues, while there will be some who are strong academically or have athletic abilities. As these children are 'added to the mix', everyone is affected in some way. Established friendship groups from primary school are likely to change. One new child added to a year group can have a ripple effect, but in the first year of high school where there's typically a much larger intake, things will inevitably shift and this can be extremely difficult for young people.

What is most concerning though is just how quickly things can go wrong at this time. In 2001, Andrew wrote a paper called 'Creating resilient learners' where he stated the following:

"I suspect we have no more than three months from the commencement of secondary school, and perhaps much less time, before a peer group develops negative attitudes towards learning."

What he is saying here is that those first months of high school have the very real potential to significantly impact on your child. 

During this time they desperately want to gain the acceptance of their peers, i.e., they want to find a friend or a friendship group. In addition, they will want to establish their place in the year group and, as a result, many will likely experience rejection to some degree. Not everyone is going to be popular and that's difficult for anyone, let alone an adolescent beginning to struggle with a range of physical and emotional changes. The resulting self-doubt, lowered self-esteem and overall distress can adversely impact future resilience if they're not supported during this time.

It's also important to remember, as some bounce from group to group, trying to find one that will accept them and where they feel comfortable, there's the potential for them to find themselves accepted by a peer group that could end up being 'problematic'. Even though you've worked hard to instill positive values and attitudes in your child, it can all come undone during very quickly.

So what can parents do to support their child at this time and, in doing so, help build their resilience? And is it possible to ensure that they don't find themselves in a potentially problematic peer group? There are no guarantees, but here are five simple things that a parent of a first year high school student could try to do over the coming month or so:

• keep talking to your child and show an interest - they may not want to tell you everything that is happening but keep asking the questions. Things are so different - they now have multiple teachers, they may be getting to school a different way and they're meeting many new people - show an interest in all of it. But know when to stop - don't be a nag! If they don't want to tell you more, don't push it!
• be involved - ask any high school teacher and they'll tell you that they rarely see a parent unless something goes wrong. Try to be actively and respectfully involved with what is happening during this transition period. Don't embarrass your child and show up halfway during an English lesson but make an effort and attend parent sessions the school puts on. Try to make a time to see their Year Coordinator to introduce yourself and see how things are progressing, particularly if you have any concerns
• meet their new friends - encourage your child to invite them home and take some time to get to know them. This is an effective way of staying connected and being more aware of what's happening in your child's life. It's not about 'vetting' their friends but if you don't feel comfortable with them for some reason, discuss how you feel carefully and respectfully. Ask them what it is that they like about them, you never know, your opinion may change as a result. Trying to ban your child from seeing certain people won't be helpful, particularly during this transition period, but talk through your concerns and try to work through possible solutions
• meet their new friends' parents - meet the friends, then meet their parents. You can tell so much about a child by having a brief chat to their Mum or Dad. If they seem to have similar values as you, grab them and hold them tight - they're going to be useful in the future. If they don't, be prepared, you're most probably going to have work twice as hard!
• and most importantly, find a special activity for you and your child to do at least once a week. A positive parent-child relationship builds resilience - having an activity that involves you and your child 'connecting', particularly at this age,  helps maintain a strong and positive relationship. It's not about the quantity, it's the quality of time that counts - just spending 5 minutes a week of real quality time with your child can work wonders. Whatever you decide on, it has to be fun for both of you, distraction free (no electronic devices that can interrupt you) and something neither of you does with anyone else

If your child is just about to begin high school, it can be very exciting for them but also very stressful. If they're having trouble fitting in and finding friends, or they're having problems with their old friends, they may find it difficult to talk to you about it. Sadly, there's far more shame associated with not being popular today, mainly due to the role social media plays in many of their lives. 

Taking the time to do these five simple things can make the difference between your child simply 'surviving' or 'thriving' during this transition period. Showing an interest, being involved, meeting their new friends and taking the time time to catch up and chat about what you're doing and what's happening with them can make all the difference.

Reference

Fuller, A. (2001). Creating resilient learners. Learning Matters 6, 22-25. 

Even though the Christmas/New Year period has just passed, it's still school holidays and we're going to continue to see police out in force on the roads in an effort to prevent senseless tragedies from occurring. Random breath testing (RBT) units will be stationed on roads across the country and if you have a young driver at home, it's highly likely that they will be pulled over and breathalysed in the weeks ahead. For as much as it called 'random', in reality, very few P-platers mange to drive past an RBT unit and not get ushered into being tested.

Victoria was the first state in the country to introduce RBT way back in 1976. It was then introduced across Australia in different jurisdictions during the 1980s (e.g., NSW in 1982, Tasmania in 1983 and Queensland and WA as late as 1988). Since then, trauma from fatal crashes involving alcohol has dropped, e.g., in NSW it has fallen from about 40% of all fatalities to the 2017 level of 15%. It's a strategy that works and, unlike speed cameras (which some people regard as a 'revenue raiser'), it has wide community support.

Most young people have had some experience with RBT before they start driving. They've either been in a car when their parent or other adult has been pulled over and breathalysed, or they have simply watched the program RBT (which by the way I recommend every parent should watch at least once with a child who is either just about to, or has begun driving). Young drivers have a general understanding of what is going to happen but nothing really ever prepares them for the first time they get pulled over and asked to blow or talk into that machine.

I have written previously about all the things that can cause an L- or P-plater to fail a breathalyser even if they haven't consumed alcohol, but there are also some other things that P-platers, in particular, should be aware of around being breathalysed and RBTs. Many of the things that are listed below are not necessarily written down in police manuals but they are based on my conversations with both young drivers and police officers about their experiences in this area over the years.

• There are two ways you can be breathalysed. Firstly, an RBT unit where there will be a number of officers present, hand-held breathalysers and a 'booze bus'. The second way is more likely to happen to a P-plater than a full-licence holder (although it can happen to anyone, particularly if they are driving in a dangerous way) and that is being pulled over randomly by a police officer. P-platers, due to their inexperience, are viewed by police as being 'high-risk' drivers and, as a result, they are far more likely to get pulled over in this way and asked to provide a sample of their breath
• Although police don't have to give a reason for pulling you over and conducting a breath test, when they do, it's usually because of something about you, your driving or your car that has attracted their attention. If you've broken the law, it makes perfect sense why you've been pulled over but in many cases, young people are quite surprised with what has led to them being breathalysed. Some of the reasons that have been given to them include having your headlights on high-beam or simply not having them on at all, going around a roundabout twice and the most likely one for young men, playing their music too loudly. Police have told me that they have pulled over P-platers because of the car they're driving ('hotted-up' vehicles and luxury brands like BMWs and Mercedes driven by P-platers are more likely to be targeted). Drivers who wear hoodies over their heads are highly likely to attract police attention and, most importantly, the positioning of a P-plate and whether it is damaged in anyway can also lead to a young driver being pulled over and breathalysed
• If you are stopped, the only information that you are legally required to give an officer is your driver's licence which contains your name and address. That said, if they are just asking you about your night and the plans you have, just answer them - it'll be easier. If you decide to be difficult and not answer any further questions, you could be charged with an offence such as disobeying or contravening a police officer’s direction. It is so important to remember that an RBT should be a very quick process. Even if you are pulled over randomly and a few more questions are asked, you should be on your way in a matter of minutes. Be polite and respectful - it'll get you so far!
• If you have not been drinking and fail the preliminary test, don't panic. The officer would have already asked you whether or not you had had anything to drink - if you told them you hadn't but got a positive test (particularly if it is a very low reading), they will most likely ask you to wait a few minutes and then submit another breath sample. Police are aware that there are many things that can cause a P-plater to fail a test. If you have been respectful and polite, they are likely to do their best to resolve the issue. I've met a couple of young women over the years who failed the test 4 or 5 times before finally passing
• Don't have alcohol in your car. In most jurisdictions (although it can be extremely difficult to establish exactly what the law is in this area), if you're 17-years-old and driving, you're not allowed to have alcohol (opened or unopened) in your car. If you have someone who is 18 or over in the car with you, that should be fine but as a general rule, no matter what age you are, if a police officer sees alcohol in your car when you are pulled over, it is likely to change your RBT experience. They may ask a couple more questions about your night, where you've been or where you're going. My advice is that if you're carrying alcohol in the car, put it away. If you have a carton of something, put it into the boot and, when it comes to bottles, just put them into a bag of some sort and close it up. 

Now that can be a lot for a P-plater to get through, so to summarise the 6 simple things that P-platers need to remember are as follows:

• You are more likely to be pulled over randomly by a police officer and breathalysed than full-licence holders - this is because you are seen as more 'high-risk' due to your inexperience. Be prepared that this is likely to happen and it doesn't necessarily mean you have done anything wrong 
• Simple things can attract the attention of police and lead to you being randomly pulled over and breathalysed - playing loud music, not having your lights on, driving too slowly, wearing a hoodie over your head, etc. Try to be as bland as possible!
• Check the condition of your P-plates and where they are placed - make sure they're not damaged or the colour is wearing off. Most importantly they must be able to be clearly seen. Stand next to your car and take 20 steps back - can you see the entire plate and lettering?
• First impressions count - when an officer approaches the car window, have it wound down and be polite and respectful. Police are used to dealing with criminals and when a young person greets them in a positive way, it is likely to make such a difference as to what happens next
• If you haven't been drinking and fail the preliminary test, don't panic. Police know that there are other things that can cause a P-plater to blow over 0. If you're polite and respectful,  they'll do their best to try to work out what has happened
• Don't have alcohol laying around in your car - if you're 17, that's likely to be illegal and even if you're 18, it attracts the attention of police if you get pulled over. If you're 18 or older, put it away - having a bottle of something rolling around the backseat of your car is not a good look!

Of course, there are some parts of the country that have been comparatively COVID-free (e.g., WA, NT and Tasmania) and although there have been a number of disruptions and short lockdowns, for the most part, life did not change dramatically for teens living in those jurisdictions. It's important to remember, however, that no matter what their 'COVID experience', they have been watching one of the most challenging times in our history play out for the past 18 months. We're kidding ourselves if we think that the images of mass burial grounds in places like Brazil and India, trucks ferrying dead bodies across Manhattan, and the broadcasting of daily tallies of COVID cases and fatalities have not had some impact on our young people. 

We do need to remember that young people, for the most part, are incredibly resilient and it is quite remarkable how they adapted to the situation thrust upon them. Studies have found, however, that depression, anxiety and self-harm are on the increase amongst our teens and there is concern that some could turn to alcohol and other drugs to 'self-medicate' in order to cope. 

From my perspective it is the possible return of 'YOLO' that is just as concerning, particularly as we come to the end of the school year and the beginning of the traditional party season. I've discussed the #YOLO (You Only Live Once) phenomenon before but for those of you who don't know, YOLO is similar to 'carpe diem' ('seize the day') and is a call to live life to its fullest extent. Canadian rapper Drake used the term in 2011 and, as a result, it became a staple of music and youth culture. It then began to be used to accompany a range of increasingly dangerous stunts and pranks, culminating in Twitter suspending the use of the #YOLO in 2014 due to its link to the promotion of high-risk activity and, sadly, a number of deaths.

No-one's going to blame teens for wanting to 'blow off some steam' in the coming months. As I say to every group of students I present to - "We want you to have fun, you deserve it! But we want you to have a good time, not a dangerous time!" But when you combine potentially high-risk behaviour that goes along with 'letting your hair down' and parents who find themselves struggling to apply rules and boundaries around parties and alcohol (you want them to see their friends and have some fun as well) - the possible consequences are terrifying.

I've been working in this area for many years and I can't think of a time where I have been so worried about what could potentially lie ahead. I so hope I'm wrong and that our teens have a great time, look after themselves and each other and that they come out the other end unscathed. But realistically, unless we're incredibly lucky, the only way that is going to happen is if parents put a bit of effort into this as well ... I'm not asking much, just two simple things - be aware of what's coming and provide 'age-appropriate' monitoring. 

Now this is not about 'helicopter parenting' – no-one's suggesting that you need to hover over your child and watch them every minute of every day. They need to be allowed to face life's hurdles and make mistakes, whether it be when they're playing in the back garden, walking with their friends to the local shopping centre or going to a party or gathering on a Saturday night. Those errors of judgment, silly decisions and bad choices that they're likely to make are how they learn to become fully-functioning adults. 

But after a period of isolation and restrictions (that many teens have recently experienced), an uncertain and pretty gloomy world around them and the upcoming summer and holiday season, teen parties offer a very welcome 'light at the end of the tunnel' for many. They can also provide a 'perfect storm' where things can go terribly wrong, very quickly. Teens are surrounded by their peers, often at an event which host parents can find difficult to monitor, no matter what precautions they put into place and, as a result, a range of high-risk behaviours (e.g., alcohol and other drug use, sexual activity, driving and violence) are far more likely to occur.

Parties and gatherings are risky events at the best of times, it's vital that parents be aware that the risks are likely to be greater in the coming months. To help minimise these risks, do your best to monitor your teen. This is not about stopping them going and partying with their friends - they need to do that. Just ensure that you have some idea of what they're actually doing. Only you can make decisions in this area, but here are some things to consider:

• know where they are going and who they are going to be with
• take them to where they're supposedly going and pick them up
• agree on a curfew
• meet, or at the very least, talk to host parents of events your child is attending
• ask questions about alcohol and adult supervision to parents hosting parties your child is invited to
• ensure you do your homework around sleepovers. Do you know the parents? Will they be home? Is it a 'mixed sleepover'? Will there be supervision?
• have the name and contact number of at least one of their friends that they will be with when they go out
• monitor how much money they earn (or are given) and what they spend it on

Particular attention was given to how parents should talk to their teen about vaping, particularly if they've recently discovered their child has used or is currently using these devices. Since that presentation I have continued to use the same material in other talks I have given. Nothing I said was particularly earth-shattering but I've been surprised by how many emails and DMs I've received from parents who, after hearing what I said, have gone away and used my advice and have had a positive outcome. 

Before the advice here's a quick summary of where I believe we are currently at in this country when it comes to school-based young people and vaping:

• anecdotal and recently-released survey data suggests that teen vaping is increasing, however, we're not talking about an 'epidemic' - most young don't vape
• new data indicates ≈10% of senior students and around one in 20 Year 9s and 10s are vaping 'regularly' and anecdotal reports suggest that some teens are nicotine dependent as a result
• public health groups and harm reduction advocates are currently debating this issue (i.e., vaping is a 'gateway' to smoking for teens versus it's a useful tool to assist smokers quit their habit)
• teens 'cherry-pick' comments from this debate to justify or support their vaping
• one thing both sides agree on is that teens shouldn't vape

So, how should you talk to your teen about vaping? Firstly, when it comes to trying to prevent use, ensure you actually do discuss the issue with your child. A recent survey conducted by the Royal Children's Hospital in Melbourne of parents and caregivers found that although 73% were concerned their teen might try e-cigarettes, less than half (43%) had talked about vaping with their child. They were far more likely to discuss alcohol (87%), other drugs (71%), and even cigarettes and smoking (71%).

As well as underestimating their influence on their child when it comes to these issues, parents also struggle with when and where to raise these topics. In terms of preventing use, get in early and often, and make these discussions just part of everyday conversations. If you see someone vaping as you and your child are walking down the street make a comment or ask a question. When it comes to children or young teens, linking vaping and smoking together is powerful. Most young people view smoking in a negative light, so helping them to understand that vapes were developed to help smokers quit, i.e., they're part of the 'smoking experience' could be helpful.   

If you've discovered your teen is vaping, before you say anything, ensure you give yourself some time to calm down and, most importantly, be as prepared as possible. Remember these four simple steps in the preparation process:

• know the facts and be as informed as possible - take the time to collect some basic information, ensuring you access it from different sources. Collecting your facts from one website that pushes a particular viewpoint is not going to be helpful 
• remember what it was like to be a teen - this can be tough but think back as to what didn't work when your parents tried to have 'the talk' with you - what should you be avoiding?
• practice what you want to say – you want to have a conversation, not to lecture or to fight. Writing down some dot points to keep you on track can be helpful but don't read from a script
• find the right time and place - the best time to have these type of discussions is in the evening, never attempt them over breakfast! Make sure you have a place where you won't be disturbed and you both feel comfortable

So, when you sit down to have the chat, what should you be saying?

• ask for their perspective on vaping – you want to know it all, what's their side of the story? Why did they vape or continuing to vape? This is such a new phenomenon (the first e-cigarette was invented in 2003), when your teen says "You just don't understand", in this case that's absolutely true. It's vital that you let them speak, don't interrupt or make comment, this is their time - you want to know it all

• once they've finished saying their piece - express your views about teen vaping and why you feel that way. Ensure that they allow you the time to speak without interruption or comment. What you say has to be well thought through and stick to what you've planned. It'll be tempting to respond to comments they've just made but this is not the time - use the information you've collected to support your view on the issue
• avoid judgment and the use of 'scare tactics' - if they've talked about their friends vaping as one of the reasons they're doing it be careful not to criticise them (remember, that didn't go down well when you were a teen!). Most importantly, don't throw horror stories at them that you've seen reported in the media. Most of these are based on some degree of truth but they're not the norm and young people know that - stick to a couple of concerns based on the facts
• clearly state your family expectations on vaping. You do have an influence on your child, no matter what their age. Does this mean that they're going to do everything you tell them to do? Of course not, but letting them know how disappointed you would be if they continued to vape can be effective. This is the time where you can clearly state a family rule or boundary around vaping such as "As much as I would love to be able to stop you vaping, I can't control what you do when I'm not with you. I can control what is done in our home. No vaping devices are permitted in this house ..."

• once you've finished, allow them time to respond to what you've said and any of the rules or boundaries you've outlined. This will likely be the time where they will try to bamboozle you with statements like "But it's safer than smoking" but keep calm and composed. Getting angry and frustrated isn't going to help. Once again, let them say their piece and, if you've done your homework you may be able to respond without too many problems but I guarantee there will be times, particularly around vaping, when you'll reach a stalemate
• if you get to a point where you've got different information on the same issue, e.g., "It's just water vapour", offer to learn together and look at each other's sources. Ask them to provide their reference and you can show them yours. Sitting at a computer together provides a valuable learning opportunity for both parties and demonstrates that you're willing to listen to what they have to say and hopefully teaches them that they should be willing to show the same respect to others

Now is this discussion likely to stop all young people from vaping? I highly doubt it. The truth is, if your teen wants to vape there is very little you can do to stop them. Do we have a 'vaping epidemic'? No, but significant numbers of teens are experimenting and a smaller number appear to be vaping regularly. The current ease of access to cheap, brightly-coloured, flavoured disposable vapes to very young people in this country is of great concern. Having a conversation with your child about vaping is extremely important. Using the approach outlined above could help parents raise the issue in a more positive way and, if nothing else, assist you to connect with your teen around a topic that could so easily pull families apart. 

Unbeknownst to me, those who attended the webinar where I first presented this guide were asked to complete an evaluation form. A couple of days later the organiser of the event sent me through the following quote from one of the participants:

"I was using shock tactics, always nagging about vaping - all negative, wrong. We talked late last night about my son's perspective, I listened, stayed calm ... so much better. Felt I had connected again as I was missing that ..."

You couldn't really ask for anything more ...

None of the stories are unique and although the available evidence clearly shows that the vast majority of school-based young people do not illicit drugs, some teens will experiment and will suffer the consequences if they get caught. What blew me away about all these cases, however, was that each and every one of these teens purchased their drugs via social media apps. 

"When we asked her how she accessed the ecstasy she had no hesitation in telling us that she got them through Snapchat. She had been told by a friend about a guy who would give her a good deal if she bought enough of them and so made contact. They agreed to meet at the local shopping centre and the deal was done. When we asked her wasn't she worried about who this person was and what could have gone wrong, she just told us that everyone does it and that it wasn't a big deal!" - a Dad of a 15-year-old who got caught selling MDMA at school and was subsequently expelled

"We only found out what he was doing through pure luck. Our 16-year-old son was meant to be playing video games with friends in the back room when my husband happened to see him walk out to the mailbox and then run back inside. It just looked a little suspicious. About 15 mins later a motor scooter pulled up to the mailbox, parked for a second and then left. Before our son had the chance we ran out and found a small bag of cannabis that had been placed inside. When we confronted him he eventually told us that he and his friends had bought the drug via Snapchat. He'd been instructed to leave the cash in the mailbox and the cannabis would be left for him. Apparently, he'd been doing it for weeks." - a Mum of a 16-year-old

"Our daughter has been pushing boundaries since she was in primary school but when she was caught buying and selling cannabis and Valium at the local train station by police we couldn't believe it. We were called to the police station and told she had basically been running a business via WhatsApp." - a Mum of a 14-year-old

It really shouldn't be a surprise that illicit drugs are now being accessed this way. Although there is still the belief that 'evil drug dealers' lurk at the school gate waiting to lure innocent children into a world of drug use, the reality is that most young people who use drugs usually access them through friendship networks. Someone knows a friend, who knows someone else who can get something. What has happened is that those friendship networks have now moved online and, just like everything about the online world, it moves faster and more efficiently, resulting in greater access and availability. 

This is not a new phenomenon, there have been media stories circulating about this issue for the past few years, but it appears as if it's been 'cranked up a gear' by the pandemic and subsequent restrictions. It's also the first time I've heard of such young teens being involved. Some of these deals involved meeting strangers at train stations, shopping centres and fast food outlets, but most involved home delivery. Snapchat was the platform that parents were most likely to identify as the one used by their child. Its appeal seems to be that not only can it connect buyers with a seller, the self-deleting feature of 'snaps' is particularly attractive to them as it also seemingly removes evidence of transactions. 

Parents were totally floored by how easy it was for their teens, some as young as 13, to access such a wide range of substances. Of course, there were the usual ones – cannabis, ecstasy (MDMA) and cocaine, but in some cases very young people were purchasing drugs like ketamine and DMT. Even more concerning were the number of parents who reported that their child had been buying (and in some cases, then on-selling) prescription medication such as Valium and Xanax. 

When one mother picked her 15-year-old son up at the local police station she was asked whether she had been monitoring his mobile phone use. She said she had done her best but, not surprisingly, it had been difficult to do. She was then shown some of his texts sent through 'WhatsApp' and had them explained to her. They were full of emojis and on the face of it seemed to be relatively innocent. In fact, most of them were drug deals – either he was ordering drugs from suppliers or confirming drop-offs for others. Just as 'slang words' have been used to disguise when talking about drugs (e.g., "Can you make sure you bring Pearl (or Charlie) over tonight?" meaning that you want cocaine, "How many tickets are you after?" could refer to how many pills or caps you want to buy), 'slang emojis' can be used in a similar way. 

Earlier this year, Dr Laura Berman from the US made headlines across the world after her 16-year-old son died from an overdose after using drugs he bought via Snapchat. In an Instagram post, accompanied by a list of commonly used emojis and their meanings she wrote the following:

"Teens today talk about drugs in a language they're fluent in – emojis. Instead of writing out words and structuring sentences, teenagers and young adults are using emojis to express thoughts or emotions in conversations with their friends and online strangers. So, it's important that parents become educated on the language our kids are speaking." 

That's easier said than done. Keeping up with ever-changing world of teens, particularly when it comes to technology, is almost impossible and they'll almost always be at least one step ahead of you. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try your best.

Once again, I want to stress that most school-based young people are not interested in using illicit drugs. There is no evidence that drug use is spiralling out of control but access and availability is an issue. There are so many wonderful things that the Internet and social media have provided us but they certainly have made drugs, no matter whether they be legal, illegal or pharmaceutical, so much easier to access if you want them.

What has saddened me greatly is receiving messages from young people across the country who are absolutely devastated that something they were looking forward to was suddenly ripped away from them due to a lockdown. Here is one such email:

"My name is Anya and I've just turned 16. This weekend I was going to be having my 16th birthday party but it's just been announced that we're going to go back into lockdown and we've had to cancel it. Everything that was planned has now gone. It was going to be amazing and the first real party my year group has had since COVID. Everyone was looking forward to it because we haven't been able to have bigger parties for such a long time. I've just had the biggest fight with my parents and I can't stop crying – I know it's not their fault but they promised. It's just not fair."  

I've had so many messages similar to this and there must be many young people who feel they are a victim of a 'broken promise', whether it be losing a party, a family holiday or even catching up with a mate who lives on the other side of the city, as much of the country finds itself once again in lockdown.

One of the key messages that I've been pushing very hard with parents this year is to try not to promise things to your teens that you may not be able to actually deliver. In times of uncertainty it is vital that young people have something to look forward to, i.e., planning birthday parties and making family travel plans provide a valuable 'light at the end of the tunnel'. It is vital, however, that these come with a caveat explaining that things can change quickly and plans may need to be altered. It doesn't take much and it won't make the potential loss any easier but at least you've put it out there. It can be as simple as saying the following:

"Of course, if we don't see any new restrictions the party will go ahead as planned. Just remember that things can change and, if they do, we'll need to postpone it and make sure it happens at another time."

"We're all excited about going on holiday but we all need to remember that if borders close again we may not be able to travel as planned. We'll just move the holiday to another time. Let's hope that doesn't happen but if it does we're all going to be prepared." 

It's also important to be aware that teens are watching how you cope with disappointments. Recent research has identified positive coping skills as one of the key factors found to positively impact on adolescent mental health during the pandemic and subsequent restrictions. An inability to deal with difficult or challenging situations is a risk factor for depression and stress. Some adolescents are naturally resilient with 'ready-made' positive coping skills but most need to have exposure to and practice of these to develop them themselves. Observing their parents and how they deal with restrictions impacts the development of a teen's own coping skills. Remember, they learn so much by watching you ...

Another thing found to have a positive impact on teen mental health through COVID is parent-child discussions. Not surprisingly, being connected makes a difference. Connectedness builds resilience and helps them 'bounce back' if faced with problems. Maintaining a positive relationship with your teen is so important during a time of such uncertainty. I've told this story before but it clearly illustrates the power of connectedness:

Amber approached me after a presentation to a group of Year 10s and was keen to tell me a story about her relationship with her father. Every Saturday they would have 'coffee club' - this involved one of them choosing a coffee shop (a different one each week whenever possible) and then going there and sitting and having coffee and cake. Amber would tell her father about her week at school and he told her about his work. Her enthusiasm for 'coffee club' was contagious and we had a long discussion about why it was so special. That evening I gave a Parent Night at the same school, finishing off with my slide about the importance of connecting. Afterwards a father came up and wanted to tell me about the special connection activity he and his daughter shared - 'coffee club'. When I asked him if his daughter was Amber in Year 10 he looked very surprised. "You have no idea how much your daughter loves you," I told him. "You really have found a way of connecting that will enrich both your lives forever." He burst into tears!

I tell that story at most schools I go to and it gets a wonderful reaction. Many parents come up and tell me what they do on a regular basis to maintain that important connection. Unfortunately, when we're in a lockdown situation or under some type of restrictions the activities available are limited, but they're there if you really look. Walking the dog together, finding a TV program that just the two of you can binge on, playing cards or a board game, agreeing to cook the family meal together once a week - it doesn't matter what, just try to find something that the two of you can do where you can connect, preferably with no electronic devices or anyone else around. 

We live in a world of great uncertainty and that makes it difficult for everyone. Parents need to be careful about making promises to teens that may not be able to be kept because of unexpected lockdowns and changes to restrictions. We are already seeing increasing rates of anxiety and depression amongst our young people, adding loss and disappointment on top of what teens are already experiencing should be avoided. Of course, families should continue to make plans for the future - we all need something to look forward to - but always remembering to add a caveat that things could possibly change can help soften the blow if things do go wrong. 

Never forget that your teen learns positive coping skills by watching how you deal with stressful situations. If you are able, be a good role model in this area. Finally, and most importantly, the loss and disappointment that some teens are inevitably going to experience at this time are likely to have far less of an impact on your child's mental health if you keep talking and are able to maintain a positive connection. It's worth the effort!

Jones, E., Mitra, A., & Bhuiyan, A. (2021). Impact of COVID-19 on mental health in adolescents: A systematic review. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health 18, 2470.

Here is part of a message I received from Carol, a mother struggling to maintain her stand in relation to alcohol and her teenage son:

"I'm constantly being told by my son that I'm the only one who calls other parents to find out what's going on at parties and even my best friend (who I've known since I was in Year 1 and always said to me that she would stick with me around the whole alcohol and parties thing when it came to our children who are the same age) said that I'm out on my own when it comes to saying 'no' to my 16-year-old around alcohol ... What makes it even harder is when he tells me that he's losing friends because of my stance. I can't believe that's true but it's still really hard to hear …"

Finding yourself isolated and alone, like Carol, believing that you are the only one who has created rules and boundaries in any of these areas can be extremely distressing. When you combine that with the fear that your values could be adversely affecting your child in some way, it's not surprising that many parents simply 'cave in' and allow their teen to do exactly what they want.

This is all built upon the belief that 'everyone else does it', something I believe just isn't true. Sure, there are parents who put on parties and provide alcohol to teens, but they are now certainly in the minority. Others 'turn a blind-eye' to teen drinking in their house or their child having a couple of cans at a party on a Saturday night but I really do believe that if you sat down with a group of parents and asked them whether they felt comfortable with their 15 or 16-year-old drinking at a teenage party or gathering, the response would be an overwhelming 'no'. The key to success in this area is to get parents to talk to each other about how they feel when it comes to this issue but that's not easy and, unfortunately, it's becoming more and more difficult as time goes on ...

Teens are great at 'siloing' their parents - maneuvering them into a place where they will not talk to others to check up on whether what they are telling you is true or not. They do it by saying that 'no-one else does that' or 'you're the only one who does' depending on the situation. They tell you things and ensure that their friends are there to back them up with their wild claims about what everyone else is doing and of course, they always have the ultimate strategy which is to tell you that if you don't let them do something they really want to do then 'you will shame them forever' and 'that you will ruin their life'! I can't imagine what it must be like for a parent to have the person they love the most in world look them in the eye and tell them that they hate them and that they're destroying their life - it must be heartbreaking.

There are no easy answers but here some simple tips to help parents with this complex issue:

Challenge ridiculous statements: If your child tells you that you are the 'only Mum who won't provide alcohol' - make sure you do not let this statement go unchallenged. Most parents do not support providing alcohol to take to underage parties. If your teenager insists that this is the truth, make sure you get them to provide some proof. Give them a piece of paper and a pen and ask them to supply names and phone numbers of five parents who do provide alcohol and tell them that you're going to call them up and check if what they've said is actually true!

Let other parents know your views: Make sure other parents know where you stand on the subject of supplying alcohol to teenagers who are underage. If you do not believe that it is appropriate to provide your child with alcohol to take to a party, you will most probably be pleasantly surprised as to how many parents agree with your stance. If parents have differing viewpoints that is their right but let them know your reasons and make it clear that you do not want your child to drink at this stage in their life.

Link up with other like-minded parents: As much as it may seem as though you are all alone on a little island somewhere when it comes to this area, I assure you that there will be others who do not feel comfortable allowing their child to drink alcohol at a teenage party (you only have to come to one of my Parent Information Evenings to see that large numbers of these people really do exist). When you meet a like-minded parent, grab them, hold onto them and keep them close and the next time your child says - "You're the only one", you can turn around and say, "Well, Mrs Jones doesn't either - do you want to talk to her?"

I totally understand why some parents buckle to this pressure and allow their teen to do something they don't feel entirely comfortable about ... we don't only see it in the alcohol and other drug area, it happens with clothing (e.g., permitting adult-style, highly sexualised clothing to be worn by the very young), access to movies and video games (e.g., primary school-aged children watching M-rated movies containing violence and sex) and of course social media and cybersafety (e.g., allowing their child to have Instagram and Snapchat accounts way before they're legally meant to, having computers, smartphones and the like in their bedrooms). Parents are constantly being told by their children that everyone else is allowed to take part in particular behaviours and they're the only ones that aren't - that's hard. Some parents are even ridiculed by others for having old-fashioned ideas and warned that if they don't keep up with the times they will lose their relationship with their child. That is simply shameful!

But is 'sticking to your guns' really worth all the time, energy and heartache? Damn right it is! If holding true to what you believe is right increases the chance of keeping your child just that little bit safer through adolescence and beyond, it's worth all that and much, much more!

The article I wrote was not an attack on 'vaping' or those smokers who are looking for an alternate nicotine delivery system. I have made it clear time and time again that I'm not interested in being involved in the current debate about vaping and its role in smoking cessation - my only concern here is for young people, their parents and teachers. I was not prepared for the quite horrific response I received from the pro-vaping lobby from across the world. This appears to be an extremely well-organised group that attacks in a coordinated way, with some of the things they write not only personal and offensive but also quite disturbing. Some of the messages accused me of being a "Nazi", with one claiming that I was "responsible for more deaths than the Holocaust".  

Adults vaping to assist them with their nicotine dependence is of no concern to me – if that's what you want to do, go for it! But the insistence by some that regular vaping amongst our teens is simply not happening and that there are no possible harms linked to the use of e-cigarettes is ridiculous. I would agree with the pro-vaping lobby that for many young people they simply try it a couple of times and then move on but I am meeting growing numbers of teens who have now been vaping for a couple of years and are well and truly nicotine-dependent. 

This week alone I have had three emails from parents looking for help and support with their teens who have all been vaping for a year or more and are struggling with school due to their nicotine dependence. Here is a quote from each of them:

• "He's been caught selling them at school and told us that's the only way he can pay for as many as he's using a day"
• "He somehow gets through his day on nicotine patches and gum"
• "The school's been wonderful and trying to keep her but she can't make it through a lesson without her nicotine hit and ends up with an 'in-school suspension' at the very least"

The pro-vaping lobby keep insisting that vapers were likely to have been smokers first, something that research from the UK and the US supports. In each of the cases above, however, none of the teens had ever smoked and that's certainly what I have heard from students that I meet across the country. We have limited data about the Australian experience but the most recent ASSAD survey of secondary school students found that of those who reported vaping, 48% had never smoked a cigarette before their first vape. It's always a problem comparing data from different countries but what we need to remember is that a packet of cigarettes in the US costs $8, $14 in the UK and they're $25 here. Research has found that cost plays a key role in teen experimentation – it's not surprising that vaping is their first port of call in this country, with some teens reporting paying as little as $7 for a disposable vape. 

What amazes me is that the pro-vaping lobby keeps saying that teens should not be vaping. If that is the case then we should be allowed to develop evidence-based prevention messages for that target group without fear of being trolled and accused of mass-murder. Insisting that vaping is 'risk-free' and that if you don't support that message you are supposedly being funded by Big Tobacco (which I was also accused of) is insulting.

It was made clear in my previous blog that parents need to be honest in their discussions with their child when it comes to any alcohol and other drug issue. They should try to have the most accurate and up-to-date information on hand and not try to use 'scare tactics' to frighten them off from experimenting with whatever ... With that in mind I have come up with five simple things for school-based young people to consider around vaping that appear to be having some impact with the students I have been working with:

• why were vapes originally invented and who were the target group? They were developed as an alternate nicotine delivery system for those who wanted to quit or cut-down their smoking - they even started out looking like a cigarette. Why don't they look like that now?
• have you ever thought about how a vape actually works? These are devices that have to heat a liquid and turn it into a vapour. Most of them, particularly the disposable ones that are popular with teens, are made in China and there is little quality control. Showing them what is actually inside one of these devices is very powerful - the photos above let them see that the different components are held together by sticky tape! 
• can you ever really know what is in the e-liquid? How do you feel about vaping nicotine? There is no way that you can actually know what is in the e-liquid you are vaping without expensive testing. Some teens are even surprised that there is a liquid inside a disposable vape at all. Australian research has shown that many of the disposable vapes that claim to be 'nicotine-free' do actually contain the drug, often in very high doses 
• why are the flavours added and why those particular flavours? We know that one of the most effective smoking prevention messages for teens is a greater awareness of manipulation by tobacco companies. Getting young people to think about not only why flavours are added, but why particular ones are chosen (e.g., do bubble gum or cotton candy really sound like flavours that are being used to appeal to long-term smokers in their 30s and 40s?) is important
• what about the environmental impact of vaping? When disposed of inappropriately, e-cigarettes introduce plastic, nicotine salts, heavy metals, lead, mercury, and flammable lithium-ion batteries into waterways, soil, and to wildlife. Disposable vapes, most likely to be used by Australian teens won't biodegrade even under severe conditions. Our young people are far more environmentally conscious than we were, perhaps this is a useful prevention message 

Sadly, many people see these figures and believe that it means that this is a group who have simply moved onto using illicit drugs. I don't believe that this is the case. These are teens who have never drunk alcohol - it would be truly bizarre to see a young person who has never consumed alcohol start their drug-using career by taking ecstasy/MDMA. Yes, we are seeing increasing rates of ecstasy use amongst school-based young people, but those teens who are taking ecstasy at 16 or 17 are most likely those who were drinking alcohol regularly at 14 or 15. Those who have never consumed alcohol are a completely different group.

I think there are a range of reasons for this cultural shift. These could include them wanting as healthy a brain as possible, have sporting goals they want to achieve or be as simple as their parents don't really drink and, as a result, they have made similar choices. Most importantly, however, I believe that non-drinking now has 'social value' amongst young people. The person who chooses not to drink is now regarded as an important and valued member of a social group because they are the one that looks after the others. It's a trickle-down effect from the designated driver and is so powerful and something I see everyday at schools across the country. Whatever the reason for their choice, this group of non-drinkers need their parents' support and should not be thought of as 'social rejects' who are never going to have any friends and will never be invited anywhere …

There are basically three options that a young person (or anyone for that matter) has when it comes to alcohol. They can choose to drink to excess, drink as responsibly as they are able (acknowledging that there may be a slip-up here and there!) or they can choose not to drink at all. All are valid choices (with varying degrees of risk) but all too often parents will make huge statements like "everyone drinks" or "they will all drink at some time or another", or an even bigger cop-out - "they're just doing what we did!" that are just plain ridiculous! It needs to be said that these outrageous statements are usually made to justify lazy parenting, i.e., they don't have the time or energy to fight with their teen about rules and boundaries around alcohol, so these type of throwaway lines justify that there wasn't any point to trying to stop them drinking anyway.

It is vital that parents discuss all three types of drinking - ensuring that 'not drinking' is highlighted as a perfectly valid option. As I always say, if you have a strange relative like me who doesn't drink, wheel them out occasionally and talk about them and their decisions around drinking with your teens. They need to know that adults can have a good time without alcohol and that if they choose not to drink they will not be a social outcast. It's the least a parent can do for their child that has made this tough decision.

Of course, there will be many teens who do choose to drink and, at the very least, most parents want their child to make good decisions around alcohol. There are no guarantees in this area and you can't 'inoculate' your teen around drinking, but here are five simple things you can do to help ensure they are likely to have healthy attitudes and values:

• be a positive role model – remember, your child learns so much about drinking from watching you. If you do drink, look at the role alcohol plays in your life and discuss this with them in an open and honest way, i.e., let them know that you don't drink and drive, you always have a designated driver and that when you take alcohol out with you that you're not 'drinking to get drunk' 
• make your views about teen alcohol use clear – if you don't support teen drinking say so and give your reasons. Research has found that parents who clearly state their views in this area have children who are less likely to drink and if they do, they drink less. Never underestimate your influence as a parent - your words and actions do count
• try to delay their first drink of alcohol for as long as possible - this is not only important around brain development but also future risky drinking. The evidence is clear that the earlier they start drinking, the greater risk of problems when they get older
• promote positive norms - we always talk about those that 'do' drink, try to 'flip the figures' and highlight the majority that 'don't'. Try to reinforce the message that not everyone drinks alcohol and of those who do, most drink responsibly. Every time you see a media story discussing adolescents or young adults who are drinking in a dangerous or risky way, highlight the fact that there are many others who are not involved in that activity
• demonstrate you don't always need alcohol to have a good time - there's nothing wrong with having a brown paper bag with a couple of bottles in it under your arm when you go out with friends - you're an adult and can do what you want. It is important for them to see, however, that you can socialise and celebrate without drinking. It doesn't take much to make a real difference here - just occasionally decline a drink when you're at a social gathering with your teen or simply have a night out without taking alcohol with you 

For many parents of today their first alcohol experience was likely to have involved a group of friends in a local park on a Saturday night. Although some may remember the thrill of being part of this 'adult experience' for the first time, most do not necessarily have fond memories of the evening. The setting was not the best and was likely to have been dark and uncomfortable, there was the constant fear of getting caught and what was being consumed was usually something cheap and nasty. The memory of this first experience could be one of the major reasons that some parents make the decision to provide alcohol to their teen to take to a party. They remember the very real dangers they faced that night and count their lucky stars they avoided a tragedy. They don't want their child to run the same risks and, as a result, we now have a generation of parents who are much more likely to provide alcohol than those of the past. It's important to note that teens also play on this fear often threatening their parents with that wonderful line "If you don't give me alcohol to take to the party I'll get my own and go and drink in a park!"

Prior to COVID-19 and the resulting restrictions many teens who drank alcohol to excess were more likely to do so either prior to, or whilst attending larger parties held across the country every Saturday night. No matter how much effort was made to prevent alcohol coming into these events, they were simply too large to monitor effectively. These were parties of 80-100 attendees (and sometimes 'plus-one', so around the 150 or more). Ask any parent who has ever hosted one of these events and they will tell you how surprised they were to find so many empty bottles and cans scattered around the back of their garden the next morning, many of them totally unaware of how much drinking was actually taking place. Don't get me wrong, teens were still drinking in parks and on beaches - ask any police officer or paramedic - but many would prefer to drink at a large event where they could get lost in the crowd, be comfortable and access alcohol with comparative ease.

When COVID hit, teen parties, like all social gatherings, disappeared. As restrictions were rolled back and young people were allowed to see each other again small groups of teens started to party in homes across the country. It didn't take them long to work out that when there were smaller numbers present they were able to be more easily monitored, i.e., it was much more difficult to drink to excess. As a result, they left the confines of the family home and moved back outside to different environments away from the prying eyes of parents. In my discussions with teens over the past couple of months almost all of them have talked about how much more likely they are to find groups of like-minded friends in parks or on beaches on a Saturday night then they were prior to the pandemic. I asked one Year 10 young woman to put her thoughts and concerns down in writing about the issue. Here is what she wrote:

"When restrictions ended we all wanted to catch-up with each other but there really wasn't anywhere to go. No-one wanted to have people over to their house and so we started to meet at a local park. I didn't enjoy it at first because there were always other groups there that we didn't know and there were a few fights and we heard a story about a girl who was sexually assaulted one night. When parties started happening again my group of friends went to a few of them but they're pretty boring now. Sometimes we find out where other groups of people are meeting up to drink and we go there. You do have to be careful though because sometimes you get there and gangs turn-up to cause trouble. We met someone who had his watch and his trainers stolen a couple of weeks ago ..." 

So should parents be concerned and is there anything you can do to reduce the risks of something going wrong if your teen is partying in parks, bushland or on beaches?

I have never been involved with an alcohol-related death of a teen who had been drinking in a park, they've all happened at parties where alcohol was either provided or condoned. I believe that when teens do drink in environments other than parties they are more likely to have their guard up and be aware that they don't have any safety net around to catch them should something go wrong. That said, these are certainly not 'safe' environments' and there are a few things that parents could do if they are aware that their teen is partying in a park, in bushland or on a beach. These provide no guarantees of safety but they can generate a useful discussion about some of the potential risks associated with this type of socialising:

• decide on an 'out' word or phrase - this can be used in a text or a phone call should your child wants to be taken out of a situation - e.g., something's going down at the park that's making them uncomfortable. If they use the word you'll be there and take the blame for removing them
• ask them to provide you with the name and number of their 'buddy' for the night - if you are unable to get hold of your teen for any reason you can contact the buddy (stressing that it would only be done if it was absolutely necessary)
• stress the importance of sticking with their mates - things are far more likely to go wrong when they leave their group and are by themselves, particularly in these environments
• ensure they don't carry large amounts of money or expensive gadgets or wear eye-catching clothing or trainers - have just enough money to cover what they need. Don't carry credit cards or anything that is likely to be attract attention
• make sure they don't leave home without having their phone fully charged
• ensure that wherever they are there must be phone coverage - it takes them a couple of seconds to check that there is coverage and if there isn't they should move somewhere else immediately. Being able to call for help should something go wrong is vital
• ensure they have the Emergency+ app on their phone - at the very least this will be enable them to provide emergency services with details of where they are using the brand-new 'what3words' technology, This is as accurate as a GPS coordinate but is easier to say 
• discuss 000 and make it clear you support them calling should they need to - "Call 000 and then call me" - always remember the slightest hesitation could lead to tragic consequences

Unfortunately, many parents are totally unaware of the popularity of vodka amongst teens until they host a party themselves and start the big 'clean-up' the next morning, only to find empty bottles of the stuff littering their garden or hidden in various nooks and crannies around the place. So many Mums and Dads have told me that they didn't really grasp the extent of vodka consumption amongst young people until their son's or daughter's 18th birthday when suddenly the partygoers' drinking behaviour was out in the open, i.e., they were legally able to drink. But realistically, it is as far back as Year 10 where we start to see consumption of this product start to become a real issue. Some of the early drinkers who were experimenting in Year 9 have now been messing around with pre-mixed drinks for a while and begin to work out that if they want to get drunk quickly (at a cheaper cost), they need to dump the 'lolly water' and buy a bottle of spirits, with vodka usually being the drink of choice.

So why is it vodka that enjoys this popularity, particularly amongst young women? When talking about this with teens, some of the reasons they have come up with include the following:

• it is regarded as a 'cool' drink (mainly due to the advertising promoting this product and its target audience). Vodka is now marketed to a much younger age group than it was in the past. Where once spirit advertising targeted older men, drinks such as vodka are now closely associated with young women, the youth nightlife scene and partying
• they believe it to be free of calories (completely untrue). Like most alcohol, vodka does not contain any fat – but it does have calories, with a 'shot' of vodka containing just under 100. A bottle of vodka has approximately 2200 calories – more than a woman's total allowance per day, not including the mixer!
• it is undetectable (where they get this idea is beyond me - have they ever smelt a vodka drinker's breath?). It is true that the taste of many vodka brands can be more easily masked by mixers, such as orange juice, than other spirits but it certainly does have a smell and can be easily detected on a young person's breath
• it is less likely to cause a hangover (unfortunately, true to some extent!). One cause of a hangover is believed to be the presence of 'congeners' (chemicals produced during the fermentation process). As a general rule of thumb, the darker the alcohol, the more congeners present, i.e., the darker the alcohol, the greater the headache the next day. Of course, over consumption of any alcohol product is likely to lead to feeling unwell the morning after but vodka has far less congeners than most other alcoholic drinks resulting in a lower risk of a hangover

When I talk about vodka to a group of Year 10s and tell them that if they share a bottle between three of them they are drinking the equivalent of 22 glasses of beer you can literally see jaws dropping to the ground! They have no idea how much alcohol they are actually consuming when they down a bottle of spirits. Sadly, for some of those who are drinking in Year 10, particularly the girls, their lives revolve around a vodka bottle on a Saturday night. Three or four young women can drink a bottle of vodka in about 90 minutes and still be walking and talking (remember they don't experience the 'depressant' effects of alcohol like adults with fully-developed brains). When the depressant effect does 'kick-in', it can result in a frightening night for all concerned and often a trip to hospital in an ambulance. Many young people simply have no idea what they are doing to themselves when they consume these products and the risks involved with drinking large quantities when they are so young!

Interestingly, by Year 11 the 'hardcore' male drinkers have usually moved away from vodka. It doesn't take them very long to progress to dark spirits, with bourbon, whiskey and rum being the more likely drinks consumed by this age group. It's important to note that spirits, such as vodka, aren't necessarily any more harmful than any other form of alcohol if you follow basic guidelines (i.e., you consider the number of 'standard drinks' you are consuming), however, when you're young you tend to be unaware of the following risks:

• spirits or premixed spirits enable you to drink more alcohol, much more quickly when compared to other drinks. As already stated, if a group of young people share a bottle of spirits between them in a session they are drinking the equivalent of up to 22 glasses of full strength beer, 22 cans of mid-strength beer, more than 2 litres of a cask of red wine, or more than three bottles of champagne. For many young people, if they tried to drink this amount of wine or beer they would find it difficult to do so quickly - unlike spirits they are 'self-limiting' to some extent, i.e., you drink, you bloat, you vomit!
• due to the high alcohol content, it takes a comparatively small amount of spirits to cause alcohol poisoning or overdose. It is important to remember that it takes much less vodka, rum or whisky to get drunk than beer or wine. It would only take minutes to drink two shots of vodka (60mls), whereas for most people it would take much longer to drink beer containing the equivalent amount of alcohol (two 285ml glasses – 570mls), thus greatly increasing the risk of poisoning or overdose

Recent Australian studies have found that the risk of young people being admitted to hospital with alcohol-related liver disease has risen more than tenfold over a five-year period. The most worrying increase in alcoholic cirrhosis has occurred in those aged 20 to 29, the majority of who would have begun drinking in their early teens. Researchers have suggested that this increase could be due to the increase in the consumption of products with high alcohol content, such as spirits. Young women, in particular, could potentially be at greater risk due to their livers developing at a later age.

It can be so depressing sometimes speaking to a Year 10 group and see those two or three small groups of 'party people' in the room who are so obviously messing around with vodka on a weekly basis. They are usually totally unaware of how much they are actually drinking when they share a bottle of spirits and often don't feel any significant after effects the morning after. Sadly, when things do wrong with vodka (or any other spirit), they go terribly wrong. Drinking a bottle of vodka (or bourbon or any other spirit) is potentially life threatening, whether you're a teenager or an adult. The speed and ease of drinking spirits increases the risk of a range of acute problems including alcohol poisoning or overdose and, potentially, long-term health problems including liver damage. 

Is vaping nicotine dangerous?

• discuss the roll back issue with your partner – find the time to sit down together and talk about thoughts of concerns either of you may have about the upcoming ease of restrictions. As always, in any parenting issue, try to establish a 'united front'. This can be difficult and it may result in neither of you getting exactly what you want, but it is vital that you try to, at the very least, 'meet in the middle' and come to some agreement about how to deal with what is coming
• talk with your teen – if restrictions are causing you concern, share your frustrations – ensure that they understand that they are not alone in how they feel about what is happening. Most importantly, acknowledge that you understand that the current rules are particularly difficult for young people due to their need to socialise with friends. Ask them about their thoughts on the easing of restrictions and parties/gatherings? Have they talked about it with friends? What would they like to see happen?
• reiterate your rules/expectations around parties and alcohol – now is a great time to discuss these with your teen. Be sure to explain why your rules exist and how good behaviour will be rewarded, i.e., rules will change
• decide on a plan – come up with a way you'll deal with socialising in the coming months, e.g., family meeting at set time. You need to make it very clear that there are simply too many 'unknowns' to make decisions/promises at this time but an agreed plan of action provides them with an all-too-important 'light at the end of the tunnel'
• help them 'look forward' – although we keep seeing the tagline 'this will end', if your teen has been watching the news it may be extremely difficult for them to believe that a 'normal' life will ever return. They need to hear it from you. Try to shift their thinking away from what is being lost and focus on future plans and goals, e.g., plan a trip (preferably not overseas!) or the purchase of something special
• most importantly, lead by example and stick to the rules yourself – positive role modelling is key! If the restrictions state 10 people, make sure your teen sees that you are sticking to that number. Thinking 'one more won't make a difference' is going to lead to problems if your teen wants to bend the rules a little at a later date. This is one area that parents can't use different rules and claim it to be 'adult behaviour' - these restrictions are in place for everyone 

• they are likely to lose many 'rites of passage' – some groups are fortunate and have already had their Year 12 formal, but many haven't. Graduation ceremonies and other formal events associated with leaving school will have to accommodate social distancing restrictions that are in place at the time and will likely look very different to those held in the past. Even if restrictions are relaxed, Schoolies (or Leavers in WA) is unlikely to take place in its usual form in most parts of the country. Travel restrictions will almost definitely prevent those planning to fly to Fiji or Bali from doing so. Most importantly, even if schools are fully reopened before the end of the year, they still miss out on the full 'school leadership' journey 'being the big kids' - something that every other group before them has experienced
• some of them will miss out on celebrating turning 18 and legally becoming an adult - the 18th birthday has become so much more important than in the past. Not only will the person turning 18 lose the opportunity to celebrate the milestone with a big gathering of friends, other Year 12s miss out on attending 18th birthday parties. If alcohol is 'your thing' the first visit to a licensed premises and buying your first legal drink over the bar can be a huge deal - that has now gone. Although most young people can get their drivers license when they turn 17 (apart from Victoria where you must be 18), many teens get their licences in Year 12. Currently driving tests have been suspended across most jurisdictions
• an uncertain future – at the very least we're looking at six months of some level of social distancing across most of the country. The lack of clarity about when this will all end causes anxiety for everyone but it is particularly difficult for those about to finish high school. Leaving the security of school can be exciting but also daunting - what does the future hold? For this current cohort some of the things they have to contend with include discussion about significant changes to tertiary courses and their availability; understandable concern about future employment prospects, with some sectors such as travel, tourism and hospitality being decimated in recent months; and restrictions to opportunities for overseas travel. For many young people leaving school they eagerly looking forward to a 'Gap Year', usually involving travel to Europe or other destination, before they begin their tertiary education. With the current restrictions in place, and no sign of significant changes occurring anytime soon, that experience has been taken away from them, at least for the foreseeable future.

• firstly, your child is far more likely to see your drinking behaviour than ever before - parents who consume alcohol were previously likely to drink in a number of settings, not just at home, e.g., drinks after work on a Friday afternoon, social gatherings at friends' homes. We are now all being asked to 'stay at home'. The reality is, if you drink your children are likely to see you doing it - if you are drinking responsibly then they are going to pick-up some healthy attitudes and values but if you 'slip-up' there's no hiding it
• socializing has changed, including the role alcohol plays in that socializing - we know that most Australian adults choose to drink to socialize, often with a meal, e.g., they go out for dinner at a restaurant with friends. We are now being asked to limit our face-to-face social contact and sitting down at a dinner party with a group of friends sharing a couple of bottles of wine is now no longer an option. Of course there are many people who are finding ways of maintaining social ties with online activities such as 'virtual dinner parties' and that is great but, once again, this is now all being watched by your children
• finally, some parents are now drinking to cope or deal with the stress and or boredom associated with isolation - available evidence shows us that this type of alcohol consumption  is not healthy and is more likely to lead to problem drinking but it's totally understandable in today's crazy world. In the past I've talked about trying to avoid flopping down in front of the TV on a Friday night after a big week and saying "I need a glass of wine", the one thing that almost all parents want is that if their child is going to drink alcohol, that they do it for the 'right' reasons. Drinking to 'cope' or de-stress is dangerous and no parent wants their behaviour during this period of isolation to lead to their child having alcohol problems in the future 

• sit down with your partner and talk about your current drinking behaviour - what messages around alcohol are your children picking-up by watching you while you are in isolation? Are you now drinking during the day? Has your child recently commented about your drinking? Are you spending more on alcohol than you usually do? Are you having any alcohol-free days? This is not about making yourself feel guilty for enjoying a drink but it is vital that you have an honest discussion about the role alcohol is currently playing in your day-to-day life. If you can go to the garbage bin any day of the week and see a collection of empty bottles sitting there, remember your child can see that too ...
• talk about your drinking with your children and give them the opportunity to ask any questions they may have about the use of alcohol in the house - once you've established what is currently happening and what they may be observing, find the right time to discuss the role alcohol plays in your life and the rules you follow when you and your partner drink. I cannot emphasize the importance of highlighting the rules you have established around alcohol, e.g., the number of alcohol-free days you have in a week; the limit you have on how much you drink in a day. Ensure you take the time to discuss the use of alcohol during isolation. Ask them what rules do they think they will have when they get older if they choose to drink. What rules do they think would be important? This is a great time to clarify your expectations around their behaviour in this area, making it clear that there is a big difference between 'child behaviour' and 'adult behaviour'. Nevertheless, they also need to be told that if your 'adult behaviour' in this area causes them any concerns or worries they can come to you anytime if the need should arise
• don't try to cover everything in one talk and don't push it if they don't want to have the conversation. This may take a couple of chats (possibly even grunts from their end!) over a period of time and it could take a while to find out what they're thinking about the issue and if they have concerns. Most importantly, make sure you find the right time - they'll make it very clear if they're not interested. That doesn't mean you forget about it, you'll just have to wait until the time is right and they're a little more receptive